Life has been up and down recently; unfortunately, mostly down. I am trying to stay positive, but when wave after wave of misfortunes keeps coming at you, sometimes you just feel defeated and well, as I have been saying to myself a lot lately, dying inside. No suicidal thoughts, but an incumbent sense of despair and hopelessness. The most recent event is my failing of a certification exam. Not just once, but this is my THIRD time taking it and it is a very, very expensive exam. It is not even about the monetary factor anymore, it is more about having closure. Being certified is also needed for a job. Sure, the first failure, fine, let’s go for a second try. Then the second time was another red mark. Ok, maybe third time is the charm, yet no…is it my ignorance or I am just not made for this profession? I should not talk down myself, but if you were in my shoes having three failing grades, you would have doubts as well. And should I go for the fourth time? On one hand, I am reluctant to give up. Darn it. I went to three-year graduate school, I cannot just let go now! But then, what IF (a big ‘if’) it does not work out again? I do not have so much money to throw away. I do not even know how to study for this anymore. Another thing is, this exam is like playing Russian roulette – there are 150 questions, but the computer randomly takes out 20 questions, hence, if it was your ‘lucky’ day, perhaps those 20 answers that you got wrong were also thrown out and vice versa. I was in the later pool. I am not trying to project my failure onto the computer, but I just do not get why not score all and grade accordingly?
Besides the exam, I have been working as a server at a restaurant and we all know how gruesome the work can be sometimes. Long hours of standing, mandatory smiling 24/7, heavy-duty chores (I have to carry tubs of ice from the basement to the ground floor everyday and I am not a muscular person) and not being able to eat at ‘normal’ hours as those are reserved for the diners. Nevertheless, I am glad to be busy as I find myself being useful and making money. Also, I learn a lot, things you do not get to learn from textbooks. Social University, I like to call it. I am also back to being a vegan after toying with a pescetarian lifestyle awhile ago. But with a business schedule, I try to keep my dinner meal simple due to limited time. However, I still want to eat healthy. Here are two dishes I have cooked up – one is vegetarian fish slices stir-fried with Korean squash and the other is a one pot meal of pasta in tomato sauce with a side of lettuce for some greens. Oh and I threw on two fish balls for my mom. 🙂
Sorry for all the ranting, but I felt I needed to update my blog just to keep it ‘alive’.
Anyway, hope you readers are doing well. 🙂